10 Things The Royal Baby Can Look Forward To
10. None of this North West, Apple, Blue Ivy crap. The royal baby can look forward to a name like Elizabeth or James or Elizabeth or William or Alexandria, but probably Elizabeth.
9. If it’s a boy: growing up knowing that no matter how overweight, dumb– and mostly likely, bald– he will get, his royalty makes it so that he is treated with respect and adoration. And YM covers.
8. If it’s a girl: hats. Lots of hats. Including things that in no way resemble a hat, but are, in fact, hats.
7. Being one more person between Prince Harry and the throne, thus another reason for him to attend parties in Nazi costumes.
6. All hail the queen! New law states that boys and girls will be given equal rights in succession to the thrown, which means if a girl is born first, she could be queen. In other news, American women are still making 77 cents for every dollar paid to men.
5. Getting as close as you can to having Helen Mirren be your grandmama.
4. Being one of the few humans who will ever come in contact with a “Royal Gynecologist,” with the added downside of probably hearing a lot of “crowning” puns during your birth. And before your birth. And after-birth.
3. Being more powerful as a teeny tiny baby than grown-ass 36-year-old Kanye West’s delusions of himself will ever be.
2. Bringing some class back to collectable coinage. While America is peddling tragedy coins for $29.99 on infomercials (that throw in a free Patriotic motto that really just means “stew about this for a long time”), Britain is distributing 2,013 silver coins to babies born on the same day.
Addendum: being the cause of 2,013 rushed cesarian sections of British parents with piss-poor priorities.
1. Bringing joy into the world simply by being born….and growing up to do something salacious and scandalous for us to be entertained by. And YM covers.
Chelsea Devantez is a member of The Second City Touring Company and performs in The Second City’s Improv All-stars and Improv Extravaganza Explosion. She and her bff created the series Modern Women, and their pilot, www.