Second City Network

11 College Truths That Will Never Change

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As part of The Second City Touring company, we get to play shows at colleges all across the country.  Going back to college campuses over and over makes me remember those four iconic “greatest years of your life” that I spent sneaking a bite of my roommate’s Ben & Jerry’s, compulsively finishing the whole thing, running to the store to re-buy it, and eating it back to the way I found it.

Twice a night.

Ah, nostalgia!

At the last campus we visited, I saw a sticky note thrown in the trash that read: “Don’t eat food from the fridge that is not yours, OKAY!?!”  I realized that in addition to food thieving, there are many things at college that never seem to change… here are 11 of them.

  • There is still the douchebag who raises his hand and re-phrases exactly what the teacher said, only his version is longer.
  • There are still the girls who make you feel awful by screaming their sorority chant and excluding you from your right to walk on the sidewalk.  Those girls will only have each other as friends when they get older, and that’s the greatest punishment of all.
  • There is still that one dude who enrolls in the feminism class and you hate him.
  • There’s that other dude who took the same class to sleep with chicks, and it’s working.
  • And there’s that third dude who is sincerely there to learn, but you don’t know if you can trust his honest intentions and you think about it for a while– learning the most important lesson the feminism class could ever teach you, anyway.
  • Sweatpants that say cute things in glitter across your ass are still everywhere. At least the Ugg boots trend has decreased. A little.
  • Money is still being poured into sanctioned clubs that don’t fully use up their budget or use it on ideas like: 1,000 frisbees to use instead of plates at the Earth Day breakfast so that they can be re-used for college campus fun! They’re saving the environment, you guys! Everyone’s really gunna re-use that frisbee!
  • The number of depressed students is still in direct correlation to the amount of time the question, “What am I doing with my life?” is considered.
  •  There is still that damn theater student who will passionately argue why Shakespeare is the greatest artist of all time and that all modern work is cheap trash.  Argue back with a passionate monologue wherein you fall to your knees, spring tears from your eyes, and declare the most incredible poetic statements from the depth of your heart…. but only speak in gibberish.  When they say they don’t understand what you just said, drop the mic.
  • Every student still spends most of their time thinking about studSEXying to do and they are SSEXtressed about schSEXool work and finishSEXing their pre-reSEXquisites and making gSEXood choices in life.
  • There is always that one student in our audience who screams and jumps up and down and makes a spectacle of him or herself, and they are cool. Confidence rocks.

All of these people still exist in the world of college– however, there is no longer a neck acne-plagued girl wearing an African-print sari wrap, paired with a free t-shirt she got from a 5K charity marathon… that she watched.

That’s because when I graduated from college, I learned that a skirt created by “tucking it at the waist” gets blown off in the Windy City.

Want The Second City Touring Company to come to *your* college? Go here for information on how to book ‘em. 

Chelsea Devantez is a member of The Second City Touring Company and performs in The Second City’s Improv All-stars and Improv Extravaganza Explosion. She and her bff created the series Modern Women, and their pilot, www.stupidbitchsyndrome.com, is a finalist in the Comedy Central-New York Television Festival. http://devantez.tumblr.com/ 

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