Dear Comedy Goofs,
This is an open letter to all of the yahoos that decided to “do comedy” for “a living.” In short, none of you are funny. All of you should stop and get real jobs. Leave the microphones and the props at home. Take all of your comments on politics and gender relations and air travel and society in general– and cram them back into your notebook.
We get it. You were an English major, and now you don’t know what to do with your life. Not my problem. Stop bothering people and move on.
Stand-Up Comedians: Not funny. The only difference between you and the guy who yells at people in front of the Old Navy is a microphone and a drink minimum. And you know what? That guy just got a microphone. He’s now a mini-bar away from doing what you do. Enough.
Improv Comedians: Not funny. You want a suggestion? Learn your lines, stupid. “But we get to do characters!” You’re worse than the mental patients that do stand-up.
Female Comedians: Not funny. “Oh, men are the worst!” So are you. Stop yelling at me. It wasn’t my idea to come here.
Male Comedians: Not funny. “Ah, my dick! Why won’t anyone touch my dick!?” Probably because you look like you got fired from a comic book store. Want to make me laugh? Try to do a push-up.
Edgy Comedians: Not funny. “Don’t censor me! I can say whatever I want!” That’s what children say. Blog about it, nerd. Grow up.
Uptight Comedians: Not funny. “You can’t say those things! That’s offensive!” What’s offensive is that I paid $15 a person to watch you roll your eyes at everything. Blog about it, nerd. Grow up.
One-Person Shows: Are you serious? So you’re going to combine every single thing I just listed, and do it by yourself? For how long? I’m going to punch you in the face.
Prop Comedians: You’re not illegal yet? Jesus Christ.
Look, I’m sure there are plenty of things you could do with your talents. I don’t know what they are, but there are probably people out there who can help you. Since none of you are probably going to listen to this, I just want you to remember something. When I’m at your show, I’m there for one reason: my wife Deborah wanted a night out, and she is my world.
Deborah thinks you’re hilarious.
Frank Righetti, Metal Worker, Retired
Kevin Sciretta is a writer and improviser living in Chicago. In addition to working for The Second City, he is also a contributing writer for The Onion News Network and a regular performer at iO Chicago.