Second City Network

A Working Girl’s Letter to LinkedIn

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Dear LinkedIn Corporation,

I am writing to you today to inform you of how outraged I am regarding your recent decision to alter the language of your user agreement, thus expressly prohibiting users from promoting escort services and prostitution on your website.

As several of your higher-ups know (hello, Don), I am a certified nude massage therapist. I have been in the business for many years and have typically canvassed the usual prime spots to attract clients in my core demographic: highway off-ramps, dive bar juke boxes and Dunkin’ Donuts parking lots.

But my marketing skills only got me so far. Everything changed one day while I was bent over in between two chubby, surprisingly hairless business men on a private jet:

I found out about LinkedIn.

I was intrigued. I thought I’d finally found an easier way to increase my yearly revenue. And then, the rug was cruelly pulled out from under me, just as it was one week ago during my “famous” Annual Donkey Show.

While I enjoy what I do most of the time (hello again, Don), I am often worried about keeping my professional edge in an industry dominated by good looks, languishing youth and transvestites with pet ferrets.

I do not typically fulfill customer orders for fetishes and truly feel that my “sweet spot” lies with men (or women) on business trips. To further solidify this niche group of clientele, I have begun taking online business courses just to stay in top-form if a client wants to discuss acquisitions and mergers while I’m riding him (or her) reverse cowgirl– a skill for which I was previously endorsed on LinkedIn no less than 128 times.

I am concerned about staying competitive in a rapidly changing marketplace, and I would do literally anything for a few extra bucks and a few extra individuals to get on me.

My business is not so different from yours.

To conclude, sirs, I am severely disappointed by your unwillingness to embrace prostitution as a legitimate and practical business. But it’s your loss. After finally graduating from my local university with a BA in business and a minor in macroeconomics, I am going to start my own website with the intention of building a client base exclusively from online interactions.  It will be launching next year, just in time for that “big change” Don has been yammering on about for months.  Yeah – I’m going after your business now.

It’s time for the world’s oldest profession to join the Information Age.

Sincerely,

Megan “Lil Cherri Body Rokk” Wolfe

 

Kristina Felske is a writer, actor, and improviser currently living in Chicago. She is an editor and regular contributor to the daily humor site The Other Otter (theotherotter.com) and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.

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