Second City Network

I’ll Show You a REAL Government Shutdown…

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by The Master Control Program from Tron

Oh, well this is just adorable.

You Users and your pathetically ineffective attempts at order and regulation have once again failed you miserably– but it is not your inability to govern yourselves without devolving into bickering and backstabbery that offends me. Rather, it is the choice of words you use to describe your Congress’s indefinite hiatus:

“Shut Down.”

As a super-powerful computer program capable of destroying lesser programs at my very whim and fancy, this, I must say, personally offends me.

Where is the enormously oversized outlet from which your government is unplugged?

Let me ask you something: When your House Republicans refuse to go to work and claim that the government is being “shut down,” whom exactly do they “shut down?” Would you care to know how I shut something down? BY LITERALLY SHUTTING IT DOWN, THAT’S HOW. When a program acts up or starts mouthing off, I derez them. I completely erase them from ever actually existing. THAT’S how you shut something down!

Your Obama is not, in fact, a highly-intelligent robot.

This all started because your leader, who I understand is a human made of flesh and blood (this is your first mistake), demanded more affordable healthcare for all of you Users. My recommendation to fix this is:

STOP GETTING SICK.

As a computer program, I never get sick, unless of course, I contract a computer virus. THAT IS A PIECE OF COMPUTER RELATED-HUMOR; A COMPUTER VIRUS IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM A HUMAN VIRUS AND IS IN NO WAY COMPARABLE.

Why do you allow so many Users to F12 their volume levels? 

Lower your volume levels! Getting two of you brain-dead Users to agree on something can be as difficult as installing a motherboard with 6.0Gb/sec SATA3 ports and being sure to partition the drive into three partitions so as to allow you to denote the appropriate space for your C, E, and F drives. Instead, why not just have one User decide what all the rest must do? Or, better than that, surrender your free will and have a terrible and frightening computer program make all the decisions! I SHOULD ADD I AM CURRENTLY UNEMPLOYED AND AM VERY INTERESTED.

You Users need to give this Boehner-Bot a break. 

He reminds me of my own dear lackey, Sark, in that he has virtually no power, but sure is fun to kick around. Not only that, but his skin is also pretty much the same orange as mine, which endears him unto me.

And if you American Users really can’t get your government back on track, I have three words that will fix everything: Light. Cycle. Race. Trust me on this one.

End of line.

 

Daniel Strauss is an alum of the Second City touring company and performs at various theaters in the Chicago area. He also makes fun videos about video games that can be found at gamebroswebseries.com. Daniel is on Twitter @danielstrauss

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