Dear [Insert Female Friend's Name Here],
Before I can even consider checking our OpenTable rezzie to see if there’s room for another tonight, please complete the following questionnaire and submit to the Official GNO Committee (me) to review ASAP.
But I think you’ll be able to do the math yourself.
Your Friend Who Just Wants One Uncomplicated, Sob-Free Night Out
1. What do you eat?
A) I’m a vegetarian. Fine; no one’s cared about Kobe beef since 2008, anyways. +10 points
B) I follow any type of diet that starts with “The” and ends with “Diet.” Last week, I made this amazing Paleo “chocolate” “pudding” out of “avocados” that tasted just like the “real” thing! No, it did not. +20 points.
C) Whatever; I’m good with anything. And I promise to not be the person who orders the $32 salmon when everyone else is having the $14 fish tacos, thus driving up the bill we will share evenly, because I also won’t be the person who announces that since they didn’t have any of the ceviche, they don’t owe as much. Wanna share something? +2 points
D) I have a legitimate nut allergy. For real. I could die. That sucks. Since you’d have to deal with this all your life and have never known the pleasure of a frozen Snickers bar… -1 point.
2. What is your relationship status?
A) I’m married. Your wedding was pretty fun. +3 points
B) I’m married, but I’m pretty sure tonight is the night I have the epiphany that I want a divorce. Please don’t get me alone; I panic easily. +50 points
C) I’m single, but in a weird texting-thing with a co-worker. That might be fun. +5 points
D) I’m single, but in a really weird Snapchat-thing with my boss. This night is just an excuse to go meet him out while his wife is out of town. +30 points
E) I just had a very bitter breakup… +75 points
F) …And he’s already moved on. This won’t end well. For me. +200 points
G) I’m in a relationship, or I’m not– either way, I’m fine the way I am. And anyways, who cares? But you care that Tim Riggins is the hottest fictional high schooler ever, right? +2 points.
3. What is your baby-making status?
A) I was planning on telling you all tonight… I’m pregnant!!! Good for you! Boring for me. +10 points.
B) I have three kids, but if I do it right, I won’t remember their names by 10:00. Good for you! Fun for me!! +5 points
C) IwantkidssososobadJeffandIhavebeentryingfor8tmonthsandClomindandfertilitydrugsblahblah…. Too. Many. Hormones. +100 points
D) If I do it right, this will be my 10,950th consecutive day of not being a mother. Well done, missy! 0 points
4. What are you planning to wear tonight?
A) Madewell Nice. +1 point
B) Made-All-Wrong Oh… sweetheart. +15 points
C) Something expensive and classy. I’ll be over at 7 to borrow something. And I hate you. +10 points
D) Duh, the same thing I wear every time I go out. I have one outfit that looks good, so why mess with it? We better get all the use we can out of our peplum before it’s too late! +3 points
5. How do you feel about the other girls going out tonight?
A) I’m pretty insecure, so I’ll probably need to brag. A lot. About a very diverse grouping of things. No one cares that Josh Hartnett flirted with you once. He’s not even famous anymore. +40 points
B) The same way I felt about all of you last weekend: like I need to keep you happy, so you never reveal my Darkest Secret. Yeah, you do. +4 points
C) I love you all! So much!!! Seriously! And I don’t even think about that day freshman year when I caught Veronica making out with my high school sweetheart I followed to Michigan anymore. Really! Not even ever. I never, ever, think about October 12th, 1999. We’re gonna have to call in the bomb-sniffing dogs for this one. +1000 points
5-10 Points: Get in a cab and come meet us. Now.
11-30 Points: We’ve all been there. You probably need this night more than I do.
30-100 Points: You can come as long as you SWEAR that you will not cry/puke/punch anyone/steal a baby/commit arson.
Over 100 Points: Do us a favor– sit this one out. Maybe just stay home and watch Hope Floats.
Liz Kozak (Editor-in-Chief) is a writer in Chicago who loves all of her girlfriends and personally scored 165 on this quiz. She also contributes regularly at The Huffington Post and blogs about stuff at poseypieproductions.com. Follow @LizKoz.